My humor collections

FBI Opening

2006-03-03T07:44:00.000-08:00

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "You rats! This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

My message

2005-12-16T07:05:00.000-08:00

Its not been the reason, that I am out of stock for humor content, but my reason to be a little away from updating this page, was exactly " i was lazy" and not exactly " i was very busy, not to write anything" .

Right now, i will try to update the good stuff, here, to keep the humor going !!!

Humor from Great Minds

2005-12-16T07:03:00.000-08:00

Humor from Great Minds

"As you get older three things happen. The first is
your memory goes, and I can't remember the other
two..."
Sir Norman Wisdom

"One of the most difficult things in the world is to
convince a woman that even a bargain costs money."
Edgar Watson Howe

"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and
tolerates your success!"
Doug Larson

"A harmful truth is always better then...a useful
lie!"
Eric Bolton

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new
bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that
way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
Erno Philips

" I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'."
Robert Paul

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's
liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next
twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
Victor Borge

"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
W.C. Fields

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to
somebody else."
Will Rogers

"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if
it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
Mickey Rooney

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not
married, have a job, not have a job, be married with
children, unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we've always had: work or
prison."
Tim Allen

"If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love
you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...'
- they leave skid marks."
Rita Rudner

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there
when it happens."
Woody Allen

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the
answer but wish we didn't."
Erica Jong

"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out
of it alive."
Elbert Hubbard

"Always and never are two words you should always
remember never to use."
Wendell Johnson

"In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's
how your wife found out."
Joey Adams

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one
years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
Henry Youngman

"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of
birth control are already born ?"
Benny Hill

" Nothin is Impossible in this world. The word
Impossible itself says I'm Possible"
Hussain Bhindarwala

" I CANNOT PREDICT THE FUTURE
I CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST
I HAVE JUST THE PRESENT MOMENT
I MUST TREAT IT AS MY LAST. "

Commonly Used Phrases

2005-12-16T07:01:00.000-08:00

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and... What they really mean!

1.For your information, please. (FYI)Meaning : I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.
2.Noted and returned.Meaning : I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it littlewhile.
3.Review and comment.Meaning : Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.
4. Action please.Meaning : Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim thecredit.
5.For your necessary action.Meaning : It's your headache now.
6.Copy to.Meaning : Here's a share of my headache.
7.For your approval, please.Meaning : Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.
8.Action is being taken.Meaning : Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.
9.Your letter is receiving our attention.Meaning : I am trying to figure out what you want.
10.Please discuss.Meaning : I don't know what the "****" this is, so please brief me.
11.For your immediate action.Meaning : Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.
12.Please reply soon.Meaning : Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.
13.We are investigating/processing your request with the relevantauthorities. Meaning : They are causing the delay, not us.
14.Regards.Meaning : Thanks and bless you for reading all the bulls h it.

Things that one should be careful with @ work

2005-10-21T02:11:00.000-07:00

Sacrifice
Achieving success usually involves sacrifice. If it were always easy, everyone would drive a Porsche. Try to keep a check on your expectations. Nobody achieves everything, you have to compromise on certain matters. It is for you to set your priorities and decide what you really want and what you can let go of.

Career path
Even if you work for a big company, you're essentially on your own. Businesses offer career paths, training, and teambuilding, and they want to be fair, but they're subject to impersonal market conditions like mergers, acquisitions, takeovers, and international competition; so anything can happen. That's why your employer can't be responsible for your career. You have to take charge of it yourself.

Take charge
The workplace can be fun and challenging. It can also be difficult. It rewards effort, planning, and training, but it punishes indifference and lack of preparation. Those who don't take charge of their own careers - who just let things happen - often end up in painful, dead-end jobs, feeling trapped in unhappy lifestyles.

Choose your direction carefully
Changing fields, industries, or functional specialties is difficult, and the bigger the change, the more difficult it is. Hardwood manufacturers may not want you if you've been in softwood. And vice versa. Therefore, choose your direction carefully. Once you leave a career path to try something new, it may be difficult to re-enter. You'll look like a "traitor" to insiders, and you'll be competing with those who've stayed.

Learning
Today's engineering graduate is obsolete in less than five years. You may be too. If you aren't learning something new today, you may be out-of-date and unmarketable tomorrow. That's especially true for those over 40. Try to keep yourself abreast with the recent happenings in your field. Learning should be a never ending process.

Be a “people person”
"People skills" are just as important as "technical skills," because even in highly technical jobs, you have to work with others. Many outplacement candidates are technical superstars who've been fired. They knew their jobs, but couldn't collaborate or get along with others. Average performers with strong people skills often last longer. It's better to be a "people person" with average skills than to be an abrasive expert who wins at the expense of others.

Prove yourself
On any given day, your present job may end, even if you own the company! Therefore, think short-term. Don't take your present opportunity for granted. A consultant is "Someone who wakes up every morning unemployed." You should feel the same way. Get up every morning feeling unemployed, and constantly fight to prove yourself. Appreciate your job, but figure out what you're going to do next.

Correct networking
Your friends - even distant friends - are your best allies in your life and in your career, especially in job hunting. No one will help you more than those who already know you. So make an extensive list of your business and personal contacts (essentially, everyone you've met), and stay in touch with them, even after you've found a new job.

Seek balance
Too much success can kill you. Learn when enough is enough. If you think you're burning out, you may be right. Highly successful people are the most subject to burnout. They demand too much from themselves - and from everyone around them. Seek balance. Remember the golden mean: "All things in moderation."

Control emotions
Be careful expressing strong emotions in business, especially anger and disappointment. Communicate your feelings quietly and tactfully. Understate your case. Anger is powerful, even when expressed softly. Don't explode, threaten, or attack others publicly. Don't tell opponents off, even if it would feel great. Burning bridges damages your reputation - not only with the person you dislike - but with the business community at large. Remember, if you make an enemy today, it may take them ten years to "get you." But chances are, they will.

Something that amazed me ToDay!!!

2005-10-05T02:43:00.000-07:00

GIZMOS FOR YOU IN THIS FESTIVE SEASON
Rupa Jha
The Economic Times

Sony has recently introduced iPod nano. It can hold up to 1,000 songs, 25,000 photos and once charged can be played for 14 hours. It has a touch sensitive interface,
1.5-inch colour LCD display. All this in a miniscule 3.5 inches form and pencil
thin thickness. The price starts at Rs 12,500 for 2 GB and Rs 15,000 for 5 GB
system.

There is more. India is becoming a dream market dream for high-end consumers durables. Some have been launched and a few will soon hit the shop shelves. Apple and Motorola will soon launch a new gadget, which will have the features of both the iPod and a cell phone. Nokia has launched 7710, a tony gadget which has a wide-screen phone with pen input, handwriting recognition with up to 90-MB internal memory, 128-MB MMC card.

Some of the Best Moments in Life:

2005-10-05T02:19:00.000-07:00

- To fall in love.
- To laugh until it hurts your stomach.
- To go to bed and to listen while it rains outside.
- To clear your last exam.
- To receive a call from someone, you don't see a lot, but you want to.
- A good conversation with a sweet person.
- To laugh at yourself looking at mirror, making faces.:)))
- Calls at midnight that last for hours.:))
- To laugh without a reason.
- To accidentally hear somebody say something good about you.
- To wake up and realize it is still possible to sleep for a couple of hours.
- To hear a song that makes you remember a special! person.
- The first kiss.
- To watch the sunset from the hill top.
- To pass time with your best friends.
- To see people that you like, feeling happy.
- To use a sweater of the person that you like and find that it still smells of their perfume.
- To have somebody tell you that he/she loves you.
- To laugh .......laugh........and laugh ...... remembering stupid things done with stupid friends.

As they say -- life is unfair;

2005-09-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

Got this very nice poem from somewhere. Don’t know who wrote this. But it’s really worth reading for the message it conveys.

I went to a party Mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.

I really felt proud inside, Mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom,
Even though the others said I should.

I know I did the right thing, Mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom,
As everyone is driving out of sight.

As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me,
So responsible and sweet.

I started to drive away, Mom,
But as I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn't see me, Mom,
And hit me like a load.

As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,
I hear the policeman say,
"The other guy is drunk," Mom,
And now I'm the one who will pay.

I'm lying here dying, Mom....
I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom?
My life just burst like a balloon.

There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom,
I'll die in a short time.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom,
I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn't think.

He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank
And I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom?

It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,

And I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying
And all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.

Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
Put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom,
Not to drink and drive.

If only they had told him, Mom,
I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom.
I'm becoming very scared.

Please don't cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mom.
Before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive,

So why am I the one to die?

ARAM KARO!!

2005-09-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

Find your school info

2005-08-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

See if your school's photo is present at :
http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com

It’s amazing... About 95% schools in India are covered (including some local medium schools in villages) ... I wonder how those guys collected them!!!
Of course, many Middle East schools are not there. But you can try and see if yours is there.

This may happen with you too !!!!

2005-08-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

SEE the difference:-

Excerpts from HER & HIS diaries

HER DIARY

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was
my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not
to worry.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him, but he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't
say,
"I love you too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant
and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him
with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I fell asleep. I do not know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

***************************************************

HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match again. DAMN IT!

Most annoying web page....

2005-08-19T06:38:00.000-07:00

http://home.comcast.net/~wolfand/

If you know Hindi, then do read ahead!!!

2005-08-18T03:34:00.000-07:00

Creative Students --- School days!!!

2005-08-18T03:28:00.000-07:00

start the day thanking god that he did not make us to correct these papers and the teacher of such creative students

Long live those college days

2005-08-18T03:05:00.000-07:00

Just to put up some hints what to write / what one should not write, when no answer is coming to mind and one need to put some black ink on the paper... (esp during exams)

too good analogy......:)

2005-08-05T01:57:00.000-07:00

A group of working adults got together to visit their University lecturer. The lecturer was happy to see them. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

The Lecturer just smiled and went to the kitchen to get an assortment of cups - some porcelain, some in plastic, some in glass, some plain looking and some looked rather expensive and exquisite.

The Lecturer offered his former students the cups to get drinks for themselves.

When all the students had a cup in hand with water, the Lecturer spoke:

"If you noticed, all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal that you only want the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all you wanted was water, not the cup, but we unconsciously went for the better cups." "Just like in life, if Life is Water, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups.
They are just tools to hold/maintain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change." "If we only concentrate on the cup, we won't have time to enjoy/taste the water in it."

Story of 2 monekys - Read and Enjoy !!!

2005-08-03T06:19:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time a Washerman was bringing up two donkeys. Let us say Donkey-A and Donkey-B.

Donkey-A felt it was very energetic and could do better than the other. It always tried to pull the washerman's attraction over it by taking more load and walking fast in front of him.Innocent Donkey-B is normal, so it will walk normal, irrespective of the washerman's presence. After a period of time, Washerman started pressurising Donkey-B to be like Donkey-A.

But Donkey-B unable to walk fast, got continuous punishment from washerman. It was crying and told personally to Donkey-A "Dear friend, only we two are here, why to compete with each other....we can carry equal load at normal speed -".
That made Donkey-A all the more energetic and next day it told to washerman that it can carry more load and even it can run fast also. Obviously happier washerman looked at Donkey-B.., his BP raised and he started kicking Donkey-B.
Next day with smile, Donkey-A carried more load and started running fast. But it was breathtaking for Donkey-B and it couldn't act that way....But the washerman was frustrated, so he harassed Donkey-B terribly, and finally it fell down hopelessly. Then Donkey-A felt itself as a supremo and happily started carrying more load with great speed. But now the Load of the Donkey-B is also being carried by Donkey-A.,and still it has to run fast. For some period it did, finally due to fatigue it got tired and started feeling the pain.

But washerman expected more from Donkey-A. It also tried best, but couldn't cope up with his owners demand. The Washerman got angry with Donkey-A also and started harassing to take more load...Donkey-A was crying for long time and then tried its best...But it couldn't meet the owner's satisfaction.
Finally the day came when due to frustration the washerman killed Donkey-A and went for searching some other Donkeys.

Its an endless story..........
But the moral of the Story in Corporate life is......, "Think all projectmates are same and that everyone is capable.... Always share the Load equally..... Don't ever act smart in front of your Boss and never try for getting over-credit... Don't feel happy when ur projectmate is under pressure.. "
And most importantly, Never Work Hard, Work Cleverly.....

"Success is a journey not a destination"

Some Good Old Sayings !!!!!!!

2005-07-18T21:11:00.000-07:00

Acting & Actors
I was born at the age of twelve on a Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer lot.
Garland Judy, 1922-1969, American Actress, Singer

Beauty
The plainer the dress, the greater luster does beauty appear.
Halifax, Edward F. ; 1881-1959, British Conservative Statesman

Courage
Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.
Wilson, Earl ; 1907-, American newspaper columnist

Family
So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty. All other pacts of love or fear derive from it and are modeled upon it.
Long, Haniel ; 1888-1956, American Author, Poet, Journalist

God
Smitten as we are with the vision of social righteousness, a God indifferent to everything but adulation, and full of partiality for his individual favorites, lacks an essential element of largeness.
James, William ; 1842-1910, American Psychologist, Professor, Author

Law & Lawyers
Certainly one of the highest duties of the citizen is a scrupulous obedience to the laws of the nation. But it is not the highest duty.
Jefferson, Thomas ; 1743-1826, Third President of the USA

Mind
We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.
Goethe, Johann Wolfgang Von ; 1749-1832, German Poet, Dramatist, Novelist

Peace
Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.
King Jr., Martin Luther ; 1929-1968, American Black Leader, Nobel Prize Winner, 1964

Speaker & Speaking
Before the tongue can speak, it must have lost the power to wound.
Pilgrim, Peace ; 1908-1981, American Peace Activist

Women
What breadth, what beauty and power of human nature and development there must be in a woman to get over all the palisades, all the fences, within which she is held captive!
Herzen, Alexander ; 1812-1870, Russian Journalist, Political Thinker

2005-04-28T23:46:00.000-07:00

Did you know ???

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most susceptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need some one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are :I love you, Sorry and help me
The people who say these are actually in need of them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself , if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold .

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON ME???... AT THE MOMENT, TIME AND PLACE THAT YOU NEED ME, CALL ME, I WILL BE THERE WITH YOU !!!!!
"One day, we will change the world...or we are already changing it " THE BALL IS NOW IN YOUR COURT...

CrushCalculator.com

2005-04-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

A program that predicts your compabitility with your potential partner based on your input.

http://www.crushcalculator.com

A good site from Harry Potter

2005-04-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

Do visit the site at least once.

http://www.jkrowling.com/

Do add more suggestions to this blog

2005-04-26T23:58:00.000-07:00

This blog aims at a collection of good humor and some good joke that will make everyone smile.
Hope everyone will enjoy it.